On Those Days When Everything Feels Crummy
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. – Romans 10:9-10 (NLT)
Yesterday was one of those days where everything just felt crummy. Although I used another cr—y word to describe it if you know what I mean. And since this rehabilitated potty mouth uses harsh words about as often as pigs fly, my husband knew things were serious as soon as that word (and maybe one or two other ugly ones) came out of my mouth.
I proceeded to stand there in the family room doorway, down coat and scarf still hanging off my shoulders, and cry, telling him that all week long I’ve felt like a little bird waddling around and leaving piles of crumbs (again, humor me) everywhere I went.
For months I’ve been working two full time jobs while pretending it’s just one and waiting for “the paperwork” to get pushed through. The feeling of churning out less than my best because that’s all I have time for is starting to catch up with me, not to mention the emotional strain that comes from trying to balance it all.
Add to that, my husband’s demanding PhD schedule and the guilt I sometimes feel at failing to take care of all of our other responsibilities while he plows through 80 hour work weeks. As I scanned over my life, it felt like one big less than my best mess after another. All week long I’ve served some combination of store bought rotisserie chicken and frozen vegetables or gluten-free pizza and lettuce, while my husband had somehow managed to cook a homemade brisket just days before. No matter how hard I think I try, there are always friends I haven’t emailed back, dishes in the sink, trash that needs taken out, bills that need paid, organizing that needs done, and a general long list of things that I could be “better” at.
Then there’s the blog. After years of hiding my light and shying away from putting my best into my own online home, I’m finally ready to give it my all. But at times my feelings tell me I’m still doing a bad job and that perhaps, nothing here will bear good fruit.
But I remember Romans 10:9-10. Just one day earlier I’d read this verse in my church’s Lenten devotional, and can I confess that it was a huge relief to me? Because, friends we can’t do it all. We can’t work a soul crushing full time job, then manage the never ending demands of home, cook dinner, have clean dishes in the cupboard and a semi-clean apartment, write words worth reading, comment on those blogs that make us feel community, take care of ourselves, balance the budget, fill up on the Word, and squeeze in seven hours of sleep, and do it all as if we are the best. We just can’t.
As Jesus told the two sisters, Mary and Margaret, as one rushed about, trying to present her best to Jesus while the other simply sat and listened to Him speak, there is only one thing worth being concerned about, and that is knowing our Savior. Confessing with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believing with our heart that God raised Him from the dead.
But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”- Luke 10:41-42 (NLT)
We may not be able to do it all, but we can sit at the feet of our Savior, and that is going to be glorious. We can remember how to abide. We can sacrifice our expectations of perfection, our to do lists, and even those things we put our whole hearts into to honor Him, for His presence. And nothing is better than that.
Linking up with Ann Voskamp’s Walk with Him Wednesdays at A Holy Experience and Sarah’s What He’s Done Wednesday.